thanks{giving} #3

endless hours wandering & sitting.  that's how we spend our time, mostly.  he lacks the verbal skills to carry a conversation so lots of time is just sitting...so i listen to others.  other asks the receptionist when her son is coming to take her home.  other requests a car to escort him to the bank.  other questions why her daughter forget to come and pick her up.  other stares angrily out the door longing for his wife to pick him up in his Hyundai Sonata. other packs a box and brings his belongings to the lobby, announcing to everyone and no one that he has $400 and will give it to the first person to offer to take him home.

dear others,

i am sorry you feel lost and abandon.

your family has placed you here for your safety.

you will not be going home. to the bank. or in your Hyundai Sonata.

your angry is warranted but misguided.

your family has not stolen your freedom.

a disease is ransacking your brain, taking pieces without your awareness.

signed-

quiet listener

dear disease-

as you already know, there are a million facets of you i so loath

i am thanks{giving} you stole that part too.

 for erasing pjm's knowledge of home.

when i tell him good-bye and i will see him soon,

he walks off,  {no sadness. no distress}

never questioning why he isn't leaving or when i will be back for him.

signed-
his wife

dear God-

others tell me you will never give me more than i can handle.

i disagree.  i don't believe you gave me "this".

like you have a big spinner up there and somehow we landed on the "dementia" square.

i do believe you are full of grace.

i am thanks{giving} "that" piece is gone too.

i do not have the strength to hear those words mumbled from his lips,

"chrissy, take me home with you.  please."

signed-

me

thanks{giving} #1

So out there in the blogging world, there are all kinds of "projects".  Kind of like the explorer report sweet brown eyes has due a week from today which is on our weekend "to do" list {and I resent that...hate weekend homework}.  A framework is provided and you {me, the blogger} can chose some prompts & write about them.  For the high achiever {something i have never been accused of}, you can chose to write about every single prompt.  I don't think I have that many words in my petite brain to say something even semi profound or thought provoking everyday.  Not even to myself.

It's November.  Thanksgiving month.  And the blogging community is overflowing with "thanks giving" projects.  It is easy for me to focus on pjm & his disease & our loss.  But that is so gloomy and heavy especially when the eyes of my heart constantly hugs all the yuck.  A few years ago one of my lovies gave me a book called 1000 Gifts {you can check it out here-Ann is an artist with her words}.  After reading the book, I was inspired to count my gifts...daily.  I have this spiral bound notebook & I record three beautiful nuggets I encounter each day.  Holding myself responsible for gift finding forces my heavy heart to seek beauty-love-grace instead of broken-demented-anger.  I just write the date and three quick things I am thankful for.  Yesterday read:  10/31/13.  1. Hot shower after a cold morning run.  2. The smell of bed pillows that soaked up the fresh fall air. 3.  Screaming at the top of my lungs in a haunted house {just to scare the haunters themselves}.

I am also a big notewriter.  Handwritten notes to those who sprinkled some grace & goodness in my day.  I love to pen notes of thanks, alert mailman Bob with that wee red flag while he whisks them off to the post office. Through some government magic my little pocket of thanks ends up in a lovie's mailbox.  This is truly a $.46 miracle to me.

Today I wanted to tell you all thanks.  But I don't know your addresses or even some of your names.  But to my sweet little group of readers, I am grateful.

 dear readers.

thanks for stopping by to read about life & how it breaks sometimes.

your broken probably doesn't look like mine but i have learned everyone has their own piece of pain.

my hope is my words can encourage-inspire you to take that fracture in your life,

and somehow allow it to grow you.  and growing hurts and is awkward and somedays brutally painful.

i am grateful you return even if there are typos and my words are cumbersome.

i am thank filled for each of you.

love,

mama bird

p.s.  what are you thank filled for this november 1st?

my fig leaf...or leaves

i had a collision today.  right on the 56 freeway as peter & i were heading to his weekly appointment with his lymes doctor...a book i have been studying and sunday's lesson from church collided right there on the 56 freeway.  thankfully there was no damage to us, the people around us or any property. 

in genesis, adam & eve are cast out of the garden of eden for eating from the tree of good and evil.  satan entices them into indulging in the one thing God has forbidden them.  He has provided for their every need & want with one simple request; yet, satan seduces eve into tasting the fruit.  her actions along with adams passivity cause them to see their nakedness as embarrassing and shameful.

now for the collision...not an actual collision but an epiphany of sorts...the book one thousand gifts focuses on the importance of giving thanks in everything...in all things, in all circumstances.  adam & eve were not thankful.  they wanted more.  satan duped them into thinking they did not have enough.  i realize my ungratefulness in this ungrateful world parallels adam & eve back in the garden.  i can use adam & eve's demise as an excuse for my discontent-my critical, never satisfied eye-my self condemnation...my "fig leaf".  i realize; however, my defense mechanisms are only a shameful way to cover what i hope others do not see in me.  again, the collision...but who do i please man or God.  He has all knowing eyes.  He sees right through my "fig leaf" and he wants to provide for me just as he provided for adam & eve.  in genesis 3:21 "The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them".  you see, God provided for adam & eve in spite of their sin.  he sacrificed an animal and clothed them...i realized on that 56 freeway He is the same God today as he was back in that garden.  He has sacrificed for me...i must let go of my "fig leaf" and allow Him to provide & protect me.

what are your trying to hide with your fig leaf?