Wednesday, March 13, 2013

laboring pains

i have been quiet...which just isn't my style.  life {and ultimately death} has me limping through days & leaning on a tiny circle of lovies who listen to me cry while i ask why & question how long and how much more can my sweet collective family endure.

in the dark quiet of this morning, an analogy struck me.  as i witness pjm's mind & soul drift away leaving this shell of a body that is refusing to give up the fight of life anytime soon, i am reminded of  my daughter who will be 24 in just over a week.  she's my oldest, so my first run at that thing called child bearing & birthing.  she was due on march 5th...but did not arrive for another 17 days.  once i had hit the 38th week of pregnancy i would rest my round belly in bed at night thinking tonight just might be the night we would meet face to face just to be greeted by another sunrise with her captive between my ribs.  during her lateness, i often felt like i was wobbling along an endless path of pregnant.  but finally, the laboring started & the pains began & that too felt like it was never going to end.  in those moments of labor, all i could focus on was the intensity of the pain.  i was not able to look ahead at the joy-filled face i would soon be meeting.  the new life that would be welcomed into my world & heart.

i have been laboring again...the pain so excruciating i am unable to remember there will be life beyond this.  i have learned life always results in death.  there is not one person that can finish life without death.  eventually we will all come to that last page in the book of our lives where it reads "the end".  seeing pjm draw closer to that last page is much like those pregnancy days & all that laboring.  each of his days a small step toward his "the end".  just as labor resulted in a beautiful baby girl who in now almost 24, i know this laboring through death will result in a beautiful & new life for pjm.  yes, it is his "the end" here but a new and eternal beginning like none we can imagine.

good morning God.
please keep reminding me all things are coming together for your good & beautiful purpose.
please grant me the strength to press on when the "laboring" is arduous & endless.
please grow me to be closer to your image during this time of wobbling to "the end".
thank you for that joy deep in my heart as i remember this is all for your glory.
i am learning that leading a life of comfort would deny me the beauty of You.
please Lord...continue to pursue me.

mama bird.