Wednesday, May 29, 2013

five dollar lesson...

sweet brown eyes asked me for some money so he could run to the snack bar while we were watching a soccer game.  i suggested he go alone because i am attempting to allow him {my last...} to grow and make decisions and most of all to realize he is a competent, confident person in this world.  i handed him this:

and with a tight grip on mr. lincoln, he raced off like he was scoring the tie breaking goal.  i returned to watching the game and a few moments later his raspy voice interrupts, "mom, can you hold these for me" and his long, slender fingers are clam-shelling at least 1,251 empty, sugary calories worth of candy!  like a pinata had cracked in two and he was the sole recipient of all the goods inside.  of course there was NO change-he managed to spend every last cent, so i gave him "that look" while stuffing all but one empty calorie morsel in my handbag leaving him a lone cherry ring pop.  

first thought:  that assuming bugger-how dare he spend the entire $5 on candy.  how does he feel so entitled?  second thought:  you wanted him to grow and learn to "handle" the world, but have you prepared him for that...perhaps there are still areas for growth.

late at night i lay in bed wallowing in thoughts of my life & dementia & raising sweet brown eyes alone...without his daddy.  i return to the $5 bill incident & feel God's tug at not just my heart but my head.

dear chrissy-
I want you to be a confident, competent woman in this world.
I have taught you {through your years with pjm} the lessons & unlike being a mom, 
I have promised to always go with you-even to the snack bar.
how many times have you assumed ownership of  blessings without giving Me a second thought?  
in your heart & head you believe you are entitled without ever muttering a prayer of thanks.
perhaps there are still areas for us to chisel away at you to make more room for Me.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

tuesdays with pjm...

pjm has settled back into "the gardens" {sounds way better than "memory care facility"-especially since he doesn't have much memory left...perhaps i should suggest they call it "unmemory care" or "memoryless care" or even "non-memorable care"}  i have wandered off topic...let me get myself back on track.

so i spend tuesdays with pjm & he is a stellar resident now-like he could earn the "most improved behavior" award this month {granted it is only the 8th of may & we have 23 more days to go}!  whenever i would go to visit before, i felt like i was being pulled into the principal's office AGAIN to be told my child had misbehaved AGAIN!  my biggest fear in his little "stay-cation" at the hospital was he would be this sedated, drooling lump sitting in a corner with no personality.  quite the opposite has transpired which makes visiting him both gratifying & arduous.

gratifying because...
he makes me laugh
i can take him out for coffee or a walk & no longer worry he is going to bolt on me
he makes me giggle
i can have lunch with him & not be concerned he will tell someone the food "tastes like shit"
he makes me smile
i can take him for a drive & not fear he is going to open the car door on the freeway
he makes me feel joy when we are together

arduous because...
he makes me laugh
and he still loves to hold my hand
he makes me giggle
and his sense of humor was what captivated me years ago
he makes me smile
and calls me "beautiful" & his heart knows i am his wife even if his mind can't find the words
he makes me feel joy when we are together

you see, this new "cocktail" of medication, tweaked & tailored just for him has allowed the personality i fell in love with some 28 years ago to return. this reminds me of just how much we have lost as a family & how much i am losing as his wife.

dear ucsd.
thanks for all of your hard work & patience with my pjm.
things certainly were pernicious before we saw progress
i questioned if you truly knew what you were going-but you did
i am so grateful for the man you returned to me during this final season
i was sure this part of him was forever gone...but i was wrong
i couldn't be more joy-filled or tear-filled in being so mistaken
you have assisted in answering my prayers of peace-rest-calm for pjm.
his wife
p.s. if you see him & he says he hasn't had a starbuck's in ages...he is lying!
he was always good at stretching the truth...but here's proof-he's the love on the right.