laboring pains

i have been quiet...which just isn't my style.  life {and ultimately death} has me limping through days & leaning on a tiny circle of lovies who listen to me cry while i ask why & question how long and how much more can my sweet collective family endure.

in the dark quiet of this morning, an analogy struck me.  as i witness pjm's mind & soul drift away leaving this shell of a body that is refusing to give up the fight of life anytime soon, i am reminded of  my daughter who will be 24 in just over a week.  she's my oldest, so my first run at that thing called child bearing & birthing.  she was due on march 5th...but did not arrive for another 17 days.  once i had hit the 38th week of pregnancy i would rest my round belly in bed at night thinking tonight just might be the night we would meet face to face just to be greeted by another sunrise with her captive between my ribs.  during her lateness, i often felt like i was wobbling along an endless path of pregnant.  but finally, the laboring started & the pains began & that too felt like it was never going to end.  in those moments of labor, all i could focus on was the intensity of the pain.  i was not able to look ahead at the joy-filled face i would soon be meeting.  the new life that would be welcomed into my world & heart.

i have been laboring again...the pain so excruciating i am unable to remember there will be life beyond this.  i have learned life always results in death.  there is not one person that can finish life without death.  eventually we will all come to that last page in the book of our lives where it reads "the end".  seeing pjm draw closer to that last page is much like those pregnancy days & all that laboring.  each of his days a small step toward his "the end".  just as labor resulted in a beautiful baby girl who in now almost 24, i know this laboring through death will result in a beautiful & new life for pjm.  yes, it is his "the end" here but a new and eternal beginning like none we can imagine.

good morning God.
please keep reminding me all things are coming together for your good & beautiful purpose.
please grant me the strength to press on when the "laboring" is arduous & endless.
please grow me to be closer to your image during this time of wobbling to "the end".
thank you for that joy deep in my heart as i remember this is all for your glory.
i am learning that leading a life of comfort would deny me the beauty of You.
please Lord...continue to pursue me.

mama bird.

honing those waitress skills...

dear God.
thanks for urging me out of bed so we could meet over coffee this morning.  also i appreciate your patience with me.  i know it has taken a while to understand Your ways {and believe me, i still don't totally grasp them!}.  but this morning i figured out that whole "waiting" thing you have been attempting to teach me.

you see God, i was sitting at that table across the room from you this entire season.  my back to You & my head down, hoping to avoid eye contact so strangers didn't see the tears-so friends wouldn't ask what was wrong.  i have been waiting on you to come & serve me at my table.  to meet me in all of my sad.  to rescue me.  to end the brokenness   i have been sitting hunched over the table of my life...just waiting-expecting you to serve the answers to me on a pink floral china plate.  waiting to peek between those two slices of bread & see your answer tucked inside ready for me to consume.  but this morning, over my homemade latte, You revealed a nugget of wisdom.

i have been waiting-not waiting.  i have been "pause" kind of waiting, not "serve" kind of waiting.  You have been gently prodding me to hone my waitress skills-my God serving skills.  instead i have been sitting, with life on pause, wondering if you forgot i was seated in one of Your booths in the restaurant of life.  i have had it all backwards.  You want me to serve You during this season of sick.  Serving You while i "pause" will feed my soul-strengthen my spirit-renew my hope-shine Your light for others to see.

i apologize for leaving You sitting for so long in the restaurant of my life.  i appreciate that You didn't give up & leave, thinking i was never going to acknowledge You.  dear God, i was wondering how i could serve You today.  could You please show me?

thanks for meeting me on my coffee break this morning, but the break is over and i must get moving...serving You as i "wait" for the rest of Your plan to unfold.

and please, no tip...it is an honor to serve You.

fondly,
mama bird.

my neighbors-the comparisons...

have you met my neighbors?  the comparisons?  the mom.  she is beautiful & bakes & can mix a cocktail perfectly paired with the subtle flavors of the gourmet dinner she prepares for her family...nightly.  her hair is always coiffed, her bangs are never too long-highlights never grown out & a blemish has never found its home on her face.  mr. comparison drives a black sedan and pulls out of the drive, headed to his career, just after 8:30 am with his workout gear in the backseat.  he will "gym" it up on his lunch hour prior to meeting clients.  the comparison children...they are athletic protegees on club sports teams, attend the finest private school & hold leadership positions for the associated student body, all while maintaining a 4.0 in their advanced placement classes.  as a family, they attend church three of four weekends a month & serve their community in numerous charitable events.  did i mention chops-the dog they rescued from the local humane society?  he's just a mutt but since caeser milan has whispered to him a few times, he fetches a ball & doggie toys-never children's toys.  when the wrought iron gates at their front drive swing open, he sits-stays-knows his grass is greener within his yard, fleeing that yard for a joy run around the neighborhood would never cross his doggie mind.

we all live near the comparisons or perhaps they sit next to our child at school or cheer along side us on the soccer field or zumba it up next to us at the gym or walk their obedient dog the opposite way on our street while our heathen pups are strangling themselves with their leashes. your comparisons might look or sound different than mine but truth be told, when we begin looking at others' outsides & compare them to our insides, we will always fall short.  the surface appearance tells only a piece of their story while our hearts-worries-insecurities tell our entire story.  perhaps mrs. c doesn't need to go to the gym because she doesn't eating & mr. c demands there be a cocktail waiting for him when he arrives home from his career because his own comparisons leaving him feeling hollow.  the little cs work frantically on the field & at school, hoping mr. c will notice them but his cocktail has not only dulled his hollow pain, but the joy that surrounds him.  and chops digs holes on the backside of their house that aren't seen from the curb & has been known to poop on mrs. c's cream shag carpet

in all of the brokenness of pjm, i have slowly learned to stop trying to weigh my circumstance with those of others.  if i do not stop myself, pity & sorrow will swallow my very soul.  no, this is not the life i signed up for, but truly whose is?  In 2 Corinthians 10:12, the apostle Paul warns me it is unwise to compare myself to others.  instead, i must first take inventory of all i have been blessed with {my 26 years of an amazing marriage-my three godly children-my friends who cry & laugh along side me-my dog that can walk on a leash & doesn't chew my favorite slippers} and then i must say thanks to God for providing for me so generously.  and second, as i sit in the front row of God's classroom of my life, i must eagerly raise my hand and ask Him what he so desperately is wanting me to learn from these circumstances.  i don't want to be caught staring out the classroom window at the comparisons and miss His lessons for my life.

good morning God.
thank you for your more than generous provisions for my life.
i am sorry i overlook the blessings & focus on just the broken.
i want my trust-faith-love for You to grow.
these circumstances have forced me to find-depend-trust in you like never before.
i must remember, i am in your hands & you will not let me fall.
signed-
student of my life

untitled...

words come with struggle.  cumbersome.  awkward.  ill-fitting.  like when i would slip my school age feet into my mom's grown up heels and parade down the wooden hallway with my ankles wobbling.  that's often how my words flow from my mind to the keyboard.

i long for them to have precision and accuracy reflecting the life we have been dealt...not for pity or for sorrow but the words give me an understanding, an outlet for the myriad of emotions that overflow in my heart.

i am not able to place a bow upon this package of dementia and ultimately death...i know my prayers.  my deepest desires that i beg God to unfold, but i am afraid to share them out loud.  people will judge, see my desires as selfish & ungodly.

amber {my daughter & new +1} is bold & brave & painfully honest in her writing.  i echo her anti-prayer.

http://www.mrthomasandme.com/2013/01/my-anti-prayer-request.html

dear God-
you are a God of mercy.
please allow that mercy to rain down on pjm & us
the family that loves him so dearly, we are willing to let him go
knowing You, our Maker, will give him a new mind
and in doing so, will give us peace of mind.
amen.

the lighter side...

as a child i cried often-about everything-for no reason at all.  for reals.
spilt milk-sour milk-chocolate milk...all brought me to tears.

 i didn't know how to take or make a joke-and hated when i was the butt of one.

when i met pjm, he taught me to laugh, especially at myself.

to relish in being the butt.

our children have honed the art of laughing at their  missteps & mistakes-

they can all handle the butt with both grace & confidence.

and dementia has continued to tweak my humor-my ability to laugh at our broken life.

pjm has become a big fan of what our family has coined "double" days.
  double sock day.  gray athletic short sock meets tall white tube sock underneath.

a perfect understatement of color.

double cap day.  yep, two baseball caps  stacked upon his head like the book "caps for sale"

minus those annoying monkeys in the tree.

double collar day.  its like a pop-POP of not one but two collars.
who doesn't look good in layered polos.

double watch day.  one on each wrist-neither of which reflecting the correct time.
  this is my personal favorite as i view my watch as more of an accessory than a source of information.
that's what our cell phones are for-to tell us the exact time & date.

but the double that i found most fascinating, and perhaps even slightly inspirational,
was double denim day.

no you silly, not like a jean shirt + jean pants {how 90's would that be}...

but double denim pants day.  yep, you read it right.  

how the hell did this sweet demented man manage to get 2 {two-TWO} pairs of blue jeans on?
levi meets  lucky up close and personal.

i have skinny jeans-like so skinny i need plot my every calorie while wearing them-
and sodium is a definite NO-margarita are never on the skinny day menu!

i also have fat, feel like aunt flo is riding into town, bloated jeans.

but skinny would never fit underneath aunt flo.  not ever.

i wish i had a hidden camera in our closet to capture this dressing workout.

how did he convince the lucky's legs to remain at his ankles
while worming his way into levi. 

dear dementia.
i refuse to allow you to break me.
i will find joy  & laughter in the absurdness of you.
signed-
me

p.s.  in honor of pjm & knowing how to be the butt of a joke, today i too will wear double.
double cups.  sporty meets push-up.
take that you nasty disease-you will not break this girl.

two weeks later...

so we had a baby once...for 4 days and then her birth mom decided she didn't want to give her up for adoption after all.  i was devastated.  deny me a baby but don't give me one and then take it away.

every morning i would wake forming a scenario in my head that would reunite me with sweet hallie ree.  each night i would slip into a fitful slumber dreaming of holding that innocent baby again.  pjm was a very practical man when it came to emotions.  on the two week anniversary of hallie leaving our home, he announced it was time for me to move on-get over it-stop plotting to drive to el cajon and steal that baby back-and most of all to stop all of the blubbering.  shed no more tears he commanded.  not a single drop of saline was going to bring that baby girl back.  and i listened to him & i learned to move on in spite of that sad scar on my heart.

today is another two week mark.  there are moments i am not sure how i have made it 14 days with peter living at the "gardens".  each morning i gather myself & navigate the day knowing pjm is learning a new life while forgetting how to live.  each night i rest my head praying i sleep restfully without him at my side.  i can hear his words echoing in my head "chrissy, you are missing so much of life's beauty. those sobs distort God's joy.  wipe your tears & snotty nose.  yes, there have been a couple of major bumps this past two weeks but we made it.  God's got this.  you-me-our children."

and i realize letting go of baby hallie was followed by the miracle of jeremiah.  i have no idea where God is headed with this very painful challenge of dementia and i realize the miracle is not going to be for peter to be healed here on earth.  but what resonates in my heart is our family continues to trust, love and find strength in God even though He chose not to heal peter.  and that's the miracle...to continue to trust His goodness in the middle of dementia.

and pjm...hope you and marv are rocking the "gardens" tonight!  marv is a 65 year old early onset resident just like pjm.  looks like someone else won the wrong lottery, not just us.

finding my way...

a new year comes with a new normal for our home.
december felt like  life in a snow globe-several times in a single  day, my world would go all
topsy-turvy on me.  as soon as the glitter had settled, it would happen again.

changes have been made out of shear necessity  and here i sit in january learning to adapt to my new.
i know God has a plan and His timing is always perfect and  He loves me more than i can measure,
but today in the new i long for my old abnormal over this.

my pjm has been moved to a memory care facility.
i was no longer able to care for him-myself and sweet brown eyes.
i visit him.  he is content and peaceful.  that's what we want for a love one that is sick.
he has fallen in love with a cat...he always hated cats.

i am learning to walk solo.
yes, i have an amazing safety net of friends & family
that are embracing me in this most difficult of times, but after 26 years,
i am without him & i realize there is so much to learn and process in this new year.

i will find my way.  and i will do it well.  pjm would expect & desire nothing less of me.
but how deeply i miss him .