a shitty weekend...

yep.  i just said that.
gotta call it like i saw {and smelled} it...and "it" was none other than shit.
like the real human poop kind of shit & lots of it.
my best guess is eight years of it.  not that i am an expert in this sort of thing.

the kind pump truck driver says every three to fours years you need to pump the septic.
it makes for a "healthy" system-i was afraid to confess to pump man that i didn't really think about our "system" beyond the flush.  how shallow am i?

the same weekend, God very BOLDLY showed us the treatment we have been praying would heal peter, is in fact destroying him.  he is done-ready to stop fighting a battle that we continue to lose ground on anyway.  that's even shittier.

yes.  there are regrets & guilt & tears, but now we can relax and live and let life unfold however God decides.  i can stop being a nurse & slip back into my peaceful role as wife.

in all of the shittiness of that last weekend, i do know God is still here-loves our family-has provided for us during this three year fight.  the unexpected shit of last weekend has drawn us closer together as a family.

now i am off to flush with wild abandon-but somewhere between the 2016 summer olympic closing ceremonies and the november presidential elections i must remember to give kind pump man a call.  he will be so proud i remembered to maintain the "health" of our system.

the hook

We have a new accessory in our bedroom. A silver hook screwed on the wall just to the left of my side of the bed…over the lamp. Nothing fancy-just a plain small silver hook. It represents healing. It represents sickness. It represents hope and recovery. It reminds me of the faith I have in our Healer. It reminds me of a hook a shepherd uses to guide his sheep back into their flock. It holds a bag of saline Monday-Friday along with 4 grams of antibiotics that drip into Peter’s arm. Healing him while killing the bacteria that has called his body home for many years. The doctor says it could take months for the bacteria to die off and for Peter to feel like his old self again. I have grown accustom to the hook and wonder if when we are thru this season of IV drips, will the hook remain. A visual of two things: how far we have come and to never take God and health for granted. I also want to remember…the hook is an accessory, but God is not. He is me. He fills me when I am doubtful, he loves me when I feel ugly inside, he embraces me when I am scared about the million and two “what ifs” in my life.

I am a planner and love to work out from here to having grandchildren in my head. I trusted and believed I could actually do this once upon a very immature time ago. I have learned (albeit it the hard way) that I am really not the boss of me. God is my boss. He has the BIGS and the littles worked out. My simple job is just to listen and obey Him. Sounds so simple. And easy and that best way to function but I had to get to the whole other side of myself to realize this. I have spent countless journaling pages explaining my agenda to God, I have spent countless hours chatting to him in my head explaining how and why my plans are the best way to work things. I have even thrown a few temper tampers (as Scoot called them) telling God how unfair He has been to me and that he had better get things straightened out darn quick or else! Needless to say, I remained stuck in my pitiful spot. Not because God wanted me there, but because I in some twisted way wanted to remain there.

Jeremiah 29:11 says “for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”. This explains it very simply, He know-He has a plan-he is looking out for what is best. I must let go of my knowing, my planning, my best-ing and trust Him to do His work in my life. I have tried to sweep the floor with a crawling baby under my feet. It is hard to sweep up the crumbs because the baby is in the way and keeps dragging the crumbs around. Dear God is asking me to get out of the way and stop dragging the crumbs around. He has something much more magnificent than crumbs…but I must trust and move out of the way so His work can be done in and through me.