cliff jumping...

"mom, why are you so brave?"...sweet brown eyes ask at the end of an adventuresome day last month.  he was referring to us cliff jumping in mexico.  i was not wearing a nike swoosh on my bikini, but i  did it anyway.  in fact, there was no hesitation...i walked to the end of the platform and dove, head first into the "cenote".  i am learning bravery isn't about calming the doubting voice screaming for my attention.  it is about taking action in spite of the voice. 

i am not sure when the "doubting voice" showed up as it has been around for most of my life.  my best guess is i traded the "voice" for my dad who simply walked out of my young little life.  i was so innocent-young-naive, i did not know i could tell the voice it was not allowed to take permanent residence in my eyes-ears-head-heart.  it has grown into a more argumentative lecturer, casting shadows on every facet of my life.  i would try screaming louder or formulating a stronger argument, but the voice always seemed to swindle away my confidence.

i am learning to dive in spite of the doubts...God's grace and goodness are my safety net.  that brown eyed boy stood at the top of the cliff, doubting he could jump into the water-questioning his bravery,  i was there in the water coaxing him to join me.  instead of listening to the "voice" and retreating back to peter, he chose to leap from the ledge and land into the cool refreshing waters. 

i am brave because i want to teach my brown eyed boy that the begrudging voice is loud but God's quiet confidence it trustworthy...but we must leap to Him.

what will be your act of bravery even with doubt cajoling for your attention?

happy un-anniversary...

it is the little things that are worth celebrating.

july 14th, 2009...the worst day ever.

last thursday we celebrated happy un-alzheimer's anniversary!

two lime colored candles marking our progress.

isn't he just so charming...just love that man!

find something to celebrate today...and do it with cake!

lessons learned...

a mark on a freshly painted wall, a ding in the new car door, red juice splashed on cleaned carpet.  after a few days, weeks, months you get used to the blemish, but it remains there.  reminding you life is unpredictable, mistakes or even tragedy happens.  a few years ago july somewhere between just after midnight on the 13th and before sun up on the 15th, there was a nick, score, notch dug so deep into the 14th that would change our family...today marks two years-

and while the path has been challenging, here is what i've learned:

1.  true friends are the ones that call, walk, email, text & cry with me.  i have learned friend is a verb, not a noun...it is full of action, not just hollow words.     

2.  apologizing is hard but also necessary.  i have misspoken many times in life but there seems to be a magnifying glass that illuminates these times more now than ever before.  i have learned to say i am sorry-wrong-could you please forgive my words-behavior...again.

3.  painting a wall is not difficult...especially when you ask another female customer in the paint department of home depot for some assistance and advice.  i wish i could find her again and tell her she was right.  it was easier than i had imagined & i am glad to say i did it!

4.  my children believe and trust in God.  we have taught them-exampled for them...but it isn't until their sweet souls were held to the fire that we truly saw their deep faith in our Creator.  i am grateful to be walking with them during this time and seeing God in and thru their lives.  jeremiah has become a prayer warrior for his daddy each night praying for healing and renewed health.  amber & scoot have set aside plans and dreams to help me and popsicle.  they pray and encourage me to press on toward the goal.

5.  i can negotiate a bank loan and talk with businessmen...even when my palms are sweaty and heart is racing.  my bravery is best transferred thru email than in person. 

6.  asking for help is much easier than trying to juggle it all inside of my heart and head.  those friends {in #1} love to lend a hand, as do my precious children...and that sweet home depot customer!

7.  life moves on even when circumstances are challenging...charlie & maya were born, amber is engaged & a wedding is just around the bend, scoot finished his first year of college, jeremiah has school & sports.

8.  nurses work endlessly & carry so much of a doctor's load.  i admire all the work and care they give countless patients.

9.  somedays just lend themselves to a good cry...but then it is important to blow my nose, wipe the tears & move forward...and call ams-scoot-gwynno!

10.  i love teaching...being back in the classroom a few days a week this past year has been distracting & warms my soul...shaping those precious lives-even just for a day.

11.  i understand the value of a dollar...and so do my children.  we took God's provisions for granted.  i feel shallow admitting this but also realize it takes the "covetness" out of the dollar.  who knew i would love target clothes just as much as nordstrom!

12.  we are a family-a force to be reckoned with-a melange of callow superheros {i am working on names for each of us}.  we are stronger than i had imagined but it is only together and with God that we stand firm.

13. humor and absurdity...perhaps even borderline inappropriate behavior keep us all laughing and that is the perfect medicine!  {example:  i asked a man at the july 4th parade if i could pet his wiener {dog} after amber dared me...i did-he said yes!}  inappropriate?  yes.  hilarious?  oh, yeah.

14.  peter is an amazing man that has a cast iron tummy to withstand all of the antibiotics he ingests orally and intravenously.  he faces daily challenges with grace, humility and integrity.  i love him more today...and look forward to the glorious plan God has for him...and us!

15.  believing in God and marriage are effortless when life is easy, but when faced with challenge so much is stripped away.  it is in those naked moments you realize how much you truly love God & your partner.  saying in sickness and health on my wedding day was simple...living in sickness instead of health is much more challenging.

16.  lymes disease is a tricky pickle we find ourselves in but...we are going to beat it!  {please close your eyes and picture michael jackson with a lime green glove and a crotch grab-pelvis thrust...singing "just beat it, beat it, beat it"}

hugs & joy

the waiting game...

when i was five, i wanted to be six and a half and have long legs like my sister.
when i was ten, i wanted to be 12 and sport a training bra and shave my blond haired legs.
when i was 14, i wanted to be 16 so i could date boys.
when i was 18, i wanted to be 21 so i could drink...legally.
when i was 24, i wanted to be pregnant.
when i was 30, i wanted to be done with car seats.
when i was 38, i wanted another baby.
when i was 41, i wanted that baby to be ready for preschool.
when i was 45, i wanted a different answer...because the one we received dripped with ugliness.
when i was in church last sunday, i decided to stop wanting and find joy today.

i realized i have been "fellowshipping" with my challenges and not with God.  my thoughts stir up emotions causing turmoil inside my weary soul...God knows my prayers...God knows my circumstances...God knows what i am wanting.  i am finding joy in the waiting...taking my mind off of the circumstances while God solves it.

what are you wanting...find joy in today instead.

the BEST of the worst...

so i have been MIA because we have been basking in the sun on the white sandy beaches of cancun.  it was a spur of the moment fluke vacation that was the BEST of the worst vacations ever.

as so many of you know, peter is being treated for lymes and he has a PICC line which can...can...CANNOT get wet under any circumstances.  right, you follow along...we are at the warm beaches of cancun where my sweet man cannot swim, snorkel or enjoy the warm sea waters.  also, this is the first traveling vacation we have taken with jeremiah...in fact, it was just the three of us.  the big kids were being very responsible adults so they were back at home.

just prior to our departure, peter developed a slight infection in his PICC line which required me to change the bandage twice a day in addition to administering his medicine.  not really a vacation for him or me...but we went anyway.  i prayed the doctor would forbid us to leave the country...he said GO!  you deserve a vacation.  i told the nurse we would just cancel...she too said NO, you must go.

we were thrown off the first night as was jeremiah, so peter ended up sleeping with j while i was in the other bedroom.  peter comes in early sunday morning...with this:

yep. this is his PICC line...it was dangling from his wrist.  i was hysterical & asked him how this could have happened.  this was the WORST event that could have happened so many miles from home & in a foreign country.  all he remembers is his arm was extremely itchy while he was sleeping.  after a few hours of panic {just from me}-half a dozen text messages-two phone calls, the three of us were off to the beach, pool and snorkeling for a week of fabulous fun.

i realize this event is such a metaphor for my life...perhaps for all our lives.  what we perceive, dread, fear, and fight is not always a disaster if it truly happens.  God knew what He was doing on the early Sunday morning.  he was planning a week of memories for the three of us...perhaps a sweet reward for the past six months of treatments.  thanks God for the BEST worst vacation.  what are you afraid of...maybe it really could be a blessing hiding out disguised as the WORST thing ever.

panic mode...

i gotta be honest...i have been in panic mode as of late.  hopefully today was the peak of the panic and i am on the downhill slide of this bump in the road.  you name it, i have panicked about it...

the BIGS:  peter and his treatment, jeremiah being home for the summer and all our extra time, an amazing free vacation opportunity, our finances during this season of peter not working.  and the littles:  what to serve for dinner, where to park on race day, will our passports arrive on time, what will we eat on the plane, why is my percentage of body fat so high, what will my long time hairdresser say when she sees my "supercuts" bangs...yep, you name it; i have angst over it.  i have even worried i haven't been blogging!  oh my chrissy.  settle your silly precious heart.

i made a panic phone call today...in tears, i called sister suzie.  here she is and what a precious hat she is modeling. {she doesn't own or wear it...she just saw it and desired a photo of her modeling it-kind of Alice and Wonderlandish on her way to that infamous tea party don't you think?}

she is not a sister in the nun sense of the word...but a sister in the Christ sense of the word AND she happens to be peter's sister!  so we are like related {read this like a valley girl & add a "fur sure" if it meets your fancy}which makes it all the more perfect.  i no longer have a mom to call and this very wise and Godly woman calms my soul, loves me thru my tears and blubbering, and most importantly...prays with me.  she doesn't say, "oh, i will pray for you".  she stops the conversation mid sentence and calls out to God to calm my worrisome soul.  she is my paul.  she prays without ceasing just as he wrote about in thessalonians. she reminds me there are no set of circumstances that are too much for me and my God to handle.  so today, in spite of my bothersome self, i am thankful for a God greater than my situation and i am grateful for sister suzie to remind me when my simple mind forgets.

who is your "suzie"...or do you fill that precious place in another's life pointing her to God when she has forgotten Him?

grains of sand.

a dear friend stopped by this afternoon.  she has a daughter graduating from high school.  it reminds me of my son who graduated just a year ago.  if fact, her daughter will be attending the same college in the fall. 

she leaves.  i prep dinner {tandoori chicken with rice, broccoli & sauteed spinach (maybe too much leafy dark green), but it was delicious!}  peter & my precious brown eyed boy return from riding motorcycles in the hills near home.  brown eyed boy takes off his shoes and socks, dumping a load of sand on the wooden floor.  at first i find the grit irritating under my bare feet.  but then i remember, if it were not for him...my nest would be empty and the floor would be pristine. 

thanks God for the grit beneath my feet. 
i will vacuum tomorrow.

what are you wishing was perfect?   perfect isn't.  God is.