we're {not} so fine.

this was my {not} so fine view from wednesday thru friday afternoon.  breaks home to sleep & love on my children, but most of my waking moments were watching pjm breathe-in, out, in, out- after a {not} so fine full-blown, over the top seizure on wednesday morning.  somehow, God had it all timed perfectly.  i was actually with pjm when it took place which is bizarre as i never visit on wednesdays-sweet brown eyes had modified days during the school year so i have made a {not} so fine habit of avoiding the wednesday "visit" & it was easy to rollover this into summer.  well, this command seizing performance by pjm was certainly my most frightening life experience-especially because he is unable to communicate.   i held his hand while the staff tended to him until 911 arrived.  those vows of "sickness & health" resonated in my ears between his labored breaths. 

like every other facet of this {not} so fine demented disease, there was no medical explanation as to why the seizure took place.  as i drove back to the hospital friday, i was mentally sparing with God about the why & the unfair & the pure exhaustion of the past few days.  i, of course, did all of the yelling & God did all of the listening like perhaps the vast majority of our verbal altercations.  i was so pissed off pjm faced yet another challenge with no medical explanation other than this stupid disease itself.  i wanted to scream "uncle" at God claiming defeat to this wicked & twisted disease that has pjm in a half nelson.

saturday morning, i lay home in bed thankful pjm is back at his "home away from  home".  i pick up my bible out of obligation...guilt, in fact, because in the middle of this crisis i defer to reading a girlie novel & decorating magazines.  often, the bible is arduous for me like an archeologist, painstakingly brushing the dust off an ancient artifact. i awkwardly read the verses written centuries ago & have no idea how they apply to middle aged me sitting comforatbly atop of my mattress miles away from jerusalem.  i am currently reading the book of matthew & there is a story about some dissatisfied workers in a vineyard-we happen to have vineyards in our town & i love wine so there is more connection to this story than most.  a farmer goes to town about 9:00 am to find a day laborer to perform some task in his vineyard.  the worker agrees to the daily wage & begins his work.  said farmer continues going back & forth to town hiring several more laborers throughout the day.  at days end, he pays all of the workers the same exact amount regardless of the number of hours they actually worked.  of course the first guys are enraged because they have worked far more hours but still only receive a dollar.  sucks for the day laborers that busted their asses all day for the same wage but, what the hell does this have to do with me & pjm & a grand mal seizure?

God never promised me a life free of challenge.  God never promised troubling circumstances would be passed out evenly like playing cards in a game of old maid.  God never promised to answer my whys & whens while i screamed at him for answers.

dear God.
sorry for the {not} so fine temper tantrum on friday.
you promised to always provide & you have-even in the middle of demented.
you promised to give strength, even when i feel weaker than a daisy
 grasping dearly to its petals in a hurricane.
you promise a peace that passes all understanding & while i still wrestle with this,
i know there is eternal life for pjm-me-our children which grants me calm.
thanks for your impeccable timing on wednesday-
did you laugh when i jumped up & asked if pjm was having a stroke?
i know, lame {not} so fine question.
love-
pissed off {not} so fine day laborer

and a side note:
a lullaby plays throughout the hospital whenever a baby is born.
it's a gentle reminder that new life & hope are happening 
so very close to me during this {not} so fine sickness.