goldilocks...

remember that little blond, adventuresome girl who happens into the home of the three brown bears while they are out for a walk?  she enters their dwelling, testing their chairs, porridge, and beds.  each time she has to try all three and declares the first two are "too much" and "too little", but on her third attempt she finds the one that is "just right".

somedays i feel like that golden locked girl...especially on tuesdays.  as i make the 40 minute drive heading back to "the gardens", the days between visits has either past at lightening speed or a snails pace.  very seldom does it feel like the perfect amount of time has passed.  as i wander inside to find my sweet broken husband, it seems he is overly interested in seeing me {a tad too affectionate...} while other occasions, he looks through me and longs to be anywhere but at my side.  never does our time together feel "just right".  i leave and head back home so often with tears burning the back of my eyes and my throat feeling thick with grief wishing to have more years with him while concurrently longing for it all to come to an abrupt end.  driving away from him never will feel "just right".

like goldilocks, i am searching for the middle.  a path that leads to content...a "just right" of rest-peace-comfort in my heart absent of a longing for a little bit more or a teeny slice less.  in ecclesiastics 3, God speaks of a perfect time for everything:  birthing, dying, healing, killing, scattering, gathering, weeping, laughing.   the author continues on stating God makes everything beautiful in His time, but has left us in the dark to trust both His plan and timeline.

dear God.
i long for that "just right" feeling i was so accustomed to prior to "that day" almost four years ago
when life was turned on its end for our sweet family & pjm.
but You remind me "there is a season for everything, every activity under heaven"
including dementia.  and sickness.  and mourning.
and you instruct me to make the most of life in all seasons, this is Your gift to me.

thanks for being my "just right" in the middle of earning my pro wrestling status in this battle of too much and too little.

signed,
goldilocks