i want to say a million things to you, and yet know none of them will fill that gap left in your lives. it is so painful with your dad still so physically capable, yet stripped of the essence of what made him your dad. i so want to wrap my arms around you and give wisdom of understanding while you grieve what has been lost, but i have no clue what it feels like to lose the man that allowed you to scream as babies "because it was your only form of exercise"; shared his passion for a "gwink" & the art behind the it; told you, with all sincerity after your first breakup {and subsequent ones}, that he/she just lost out on the best person ever; and left you, anxious & distressed, on the step of your freshman dorm knowing you could handle the university ahead of you.
as we awkwardly celebrate dad's on sunday, i want to call to mind those freshman drop-offs. he loved taking you children to college with your entire life packed upon the four wheels of our suburban. some of the joy was the drive itself. that man loved to drive absolutely anywhere. it gave him time to converse with you, divvying out final words of wisdom based on both his successes and failures. once you pulled up to that said university, he would unload his own handcart & speedily place all your boxes in what you would call home for the next nine months. once his task was done, he would issue a warm hug & peck on the cheek and reassure you that you were capable. he would then turn and load himself {and that trusty handcart} in the suburban & drive off, with complete confidence in you. left standing on the doorstep of your new life, you quickly found your roots and a balance to living without him close by. he was always a phone call away with astute words of wisdom, an "i love you", and quiet confidence would hang in the air leaving you knowing he expected nothing short of success.
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| july 2008...a man & his children. |
i realize now we as a family have been dropped off at the freshman dorm of lives. dad packed lessons, love, and laughs into our hearts. his legacy is what continues to bind us as a family & there is that sweet brown eyed brother who needs to experience dad; his wisdom, pranks and "peterisms" through each of us. while he isn't a phone call away, his lessons are tucked orderly in our minds and we simply need to recall both the logic & integrity he used when tackling a challenge. his "love yous" must live in our hearts & that confidence he expected will press us to strive in the challenges we face as a family and individually. we must lean in on one another in the middle of this sick uncertainty while allowing each other to fumble through all the grief.
so on sunday, as we {and you} celebrate the day dedicated to dads, remember:
-walk after dinner. it's way better than TV & makes for family time.
-always wear sunscreen. the higher the SPF the better.
-date your spouse regularly. it lets your kids know marriage is first & they come second.
-give back...to God, community, friends, strangers.
-invest in family...both immediate & extended. one day you will need to lean in on them like we are learning in this season.
and have, his absolute favorite, a tanqueray-tonic with a squeeze of lime in honor of him!
cheers&love&hugs&tears.
mom.stepmom.chris
