a cup named grace...

it all started with a little too much noise & a misunderstanding.  a boisterous starbucks & a barista asking my name.  i said chris.  she heard grace.  and it feels so very right.  who doesn't need a cup named grace?

in this season of pjm+sick, i have been overwhelmed not by just the HUGE decisions like where to safely place him but also the littles including reordering checks with or without his name {i know, many of you are saying "debit card"...hello 21 century-but the delivery pharmacy for pjm & my bug guy-they need checks still}.  so a cup, or even a few drops, of grace randomly sprinkled about my day remind me that God is here in the middle of this mess.  and that He loves me and my precious family and my broken husband.

hebrews 4:16 says that we can approach our God of grace with confidence knowing we will find beauty and mercy in our times of need.  and yes, i know at the end of me {and pjm} there will be this beautiful presence of being with Him...but today-yesterday-8.3 months ago, i lose all focus of Him.  the complications of wearing many hats exhausts me...tending to sweet browns & that new common core math while balancing visits with pjm and attempting to keep a pulse on our businesses, are nothing less than taxing.  i do not deny having help from family & a very competent CPA but in the dark of night and some days even in the bright of the noonday sun, it is overwhelming & intimidating.

and that's where a cup named grace can be found...somewhere between the hope of yesterday and the mercies of tomorrow, He is ever-present in my today of messy.

dear God.

i want to say i am so unsure of how i made it a year,

but then when i search the very depths of my soul, i find Your grace.

thank you for a year of tender mercies when life was beyond crazy.

thank you for children that kept their focus & loved our family more than themselves.

thank you for friends that held space to allow me to grieve his presence, yet the loss of pjm.

for girlfriend dates-surprise parties-vacations in mexico to embrace family.

and for that barista & a misunderstanding.

but most of all, for a cup named grace that is new every morning.

love-

grace aka chris

an anniversary.

27 years ago yesterday pjm and i were married.  our wedding anniversary.  our oldest wrote a most touching post about avahah love and her reflection on our marriage.  made me tear up and miss "that" pjm, not this sick one.

i wondered how to practically face the day & i did something very out of character for me.  i did what i wanted and did not go visit him. fridays are typically a visiting day.  yes, i there is some guilt but also tending to my heart felt more important, and facing the sad and ugly of dementia was too much.  i chatted on the phone about the funnies of life with his daughter in florida, went for a manicure and had my nails painted light rosy pink like i wore on our wedding day, pulled some weeds in the garden {yes, after the manicure}, ran with the boys to target to purchase sweet brown eyes a "dress outfit" and we attached the net to the trampoline santa did not have time to install during his late night visit on Christmas eve.  the night was finished off with homemade turkey noodle soup in spite of the 80 degree weather and a dirty martini with 3 olives.  that's how he liked them.

and i made it through the day just fine.  a few tears, yes, but last year on our anniversary i was touring facilities. places to call home for pjm.  and the rest of that day is a blur.  i don't know what we did for dinner or if there was any "celebration" to speak of.  being a year from those hard decisions gives a sense of accomplishment. remembering, we can do hard things together as a family & survive.

and tonight we will celebrate as a family.  pjm loved the theater.  i know, who would think a rough, nail driving construction man would love musicals, but he did.  i think all of the costumes, music and dance made him feel alive and part of the performance.  so i am dressing up sweet brown eyes {he only wears athletic clothes & owns only track pants}, loading up the rest of the family and we are off to hollywood to see the lion king.  promise to post pics on instagram!

dear pjm.

happy day after #27.

wishing we could have celebrate over dinner & martinis.

but i am also thankful i know right where you are 

and not driving around town like a loon in search of your wandering ass.

miss your big-bold-strong presence in my daily life,

but those warm memories of our adventurous marriage are aplenty.

thanks for asking my to be your wife on our way to mammoth so long ago.

and you continue to teach me & our children how marriage and family

 are about giving-determination-dedication.

hakuna matata my love.

chrissy