the starting line-

I want to write. I desire my thoughts to spill from my mind and into written word for others to see, read and feel. I want my heart to be open, exposed, honest, Godly. I hope others see my walk and understand-relate to my pain, growth, questioning, trust, lack of faith and mostly God’s warm and compassionate grace. My story is my story yet the underlying themes are relative to many. I want to be able to weave my story in such a way that others feel connected to God thru the underlying themes. I want to be a vessel that is filled with words the Lord has given me thru the trials and joys that we as a family- me as a person, wife, mommie, friend, and sister in Christ have faced these past few years. I don’t want to get hung up on finding the right word and miss His message. Lord, use me to share your words, wisdom, and most importantly your unconditional and never fading love for us as your children.

I look pretty much the same as I did a few years ago. I see a snap shot, I know and recognize the person that was captured by the camera lens, yet, that woman had no idea what she was in for. When May 2009 rolled in there was nothing really on the radar that gave me the message my life, our lives as a family was going to be rocked to it’s very core. I cannot point my finger to the exact day on the calendar when I knew there was something definitely wrong with my husband but I remember the place…diner at Harry’s, our favorite restaurant. If I had know what was to come, I would have dug in my heels and said, “no, I refuse to step over that line…we will not NOT going there” but it came on so innocently, so quietly-it snuck up on me like a bad case of stomach flu…one minute all was good-the next you are so sick emptying your entire contents out with no control and no sign of stopping.

Peter struggled with understanding the issue regarding our Amber’s college budget. I explained again. He was still confused and then irritated I would bring such issues up at dinner. He demanded I put in all on a spreadsheet for him to understand. A trip to a neurologist-psychologist-psychiatrist-family practioneer-ENT-so many doctors over so many months and finally an answer..Lyme’s disease. A minute tick found my husband at one point in his life and bit him. Infected him with a bacteria that would run wild thru his system leaving little unscathed. Dry eyes, scratchy throat, chronic skin infections on his scalp, face and trunk, sore joints in his elbows and knees, exhaustion, irritability with his family, depression, the inability to find his words and worst of all confusion and lack of short term memory. This was a man capable of running multiple businesses and managing a company of over 100. He now struggles with math and remembering the date.

I have learned over the past months, life is not as we predict or anticipate. Life can be scary…especially in the dark of night when I wake and want answers and solutions now. But I have learned more about God during this time in my life. I have learned He is faithful and a provider. I have learned He loves me and wants me to glorify Him thru this “season” and even though I do it kicking and screaming. I, like a little girl on stage for the first time, want to make Him proud. I want a stand ovation at the end of this season and have Him say I did a fine job of shining His light to others while trudging on this sometimes endless road.