honing those waitress skills...

dear God.
thanks for urging me out of bed so we could meet over coffee this morning.  also i appreciate your patience with me.  i know it has taken a while to understand Your ways {and believe me, i still don't totally grasp them!}.  but this morning i figured out that whole "waiting" thing you have been attempting to teach me.

you see God, i was sitting at that table across the room from you this entire season.  my back to You & my head down, hoping to avoid eye contact so strangers didn't see the tears-so friends wouldn't ask what was wrong.  i have been waiting on you to come & serve me at my table.  to meet me in all of my sad.  to rescue me.  to end the brokenness   i have been sitting hunched over the table of my life...just waiting-expecting you to serve the answers to me on a pink floral china plate.  waiting to peek between those two slices of bread & see your answer tucked inside ready for me to consume.  but this morning, over my homemade latte, You revealed a nugget of wisdom.

i have been waiting-not waiting.  i have been "pause" kind of waiting, not "serve" kind of waiting.  You have been gently prodding me to hone my waitress skills-my God serving skills.  instead i have been sitting, with life on pause, wondering if you forgot i was seated in one of Your booths in the restaurant of life.  i have had it all backwards.  You want me to serve You during this season of sick.  Serving You while i "pause" will feed my soul-strengthen my spirit-renew my hope-shine Your light for others to see.

i apologize for leaving You sitting for so long in the restaurant of my life.  i appreciate that You didn't give up & leave, thinking i was never going to acknowledge You.  dear God, i was wondering how i could serve You today.  could You please show me?

thanks for meeting me on my coffee break this morning, but the break is over and i must get moving...serving You as i "wait" for the rest of Your plan to unfold.

and please, no tip...it is an honor to serve You.

fondly,
mama bird.

my neighbors-the comparisons...

have you met my neighbors?  the comparisons?  the mom.  she is beautiful & bakes & can mix a cocktail perfectly paired with the subtle flavors of the gourmet dinner she prepares for her family...nightly.  her hair is always coiffed, her bangs are never too long-highlights never grown out & a blemish has never found its home on her face.  mr. comparison drives a black sedan and pulls out of the drive, headed to his career, just after 8:30 am with his workout gear in the backseat.  he will "gym" it up on his lunch hour prior to meeting clients.  the comparison children...they are athletic protegees on club sports teams, attend the finest private school & hold leadership positions for the associated student body, all while maintaining a 4.0 in their advanced placement classes.  as a family, they attend church three of four weekends a month & serve their community in numerous charitable events.  did i mention chops-the dog they rescued from the local humane society?  he's just a mutt but since caeser milan has whispered to him a few times, he fetches a ball & doggie toys-never children's toys.  when the wrought iron gates at their front drive swing open, he sits-stays-knows his grass is greener within his yard, fleeing that yard for a joy run around the neighborhood would never cross his doggie mind.

we all live near the comparisons or perhaps they sit next to our child at school or cheer along side us on the soccer field or zumba it up next to us at the gym or walk their obedient dog the opposite way on our street while our heathen pups are strangling themselves with their leashes. your comparisons might look or sound different than mine but truth be told, when we begin looking at others' outsides & compare them to our insides, we will always fall short.  the surface appearance tells only a piece of their story while our hearts-worries-insecurities tell our entire story.  perhaps mrs. c doesn't need to go to the gym because she doesn't eating & mr. c demands there be a cocktail waiting for him when he arrives home from his career because his own comparisons leaving him feeling hollow.  the little cs work frantically on the field & at school, hoping mr. c will notice them but his cocktail has not only dulled his hollow pain, but the joy that surrounds him.  and chops digs holes on the backside of their house that aren't seen from the curb & has been known to poop on mrs. c's cream shag carpet

in all of the brokenness of pjm, i have slowly learned to stop trying to weigh my circumstance with those of others.  if i do not stop myself, pity & sorrow will swallow my very soul.  no, this is not the life i signed up for, but truly whose is?  In 2 Corinthians 10:12, the apostle Paul warns me it is unwise to compare myself to others.  instead, i must first take inventory of all i have been blessed with {my 26 years of an amazing marriage-my three godly children-my friends who cry & laugh along side me-my dog that can walk on a leash & doesn't chew my favorite slippers} and then i must say thanks to God for providing for me so generously.  and second, as i sit in the front row of God's classroom of my life, i must eagerly raise my hand and ask Him what he so desperately is wanting me to learn from these circumstances.  i don't want to be caught staring out the classroom window at the comparisons and miss His lessons for my life.

good morning God.
thank you for your more than generous provisions for my life.
i am sorry i overlook the blessings & focus on just the broken.
i want my trust-faith-love for You to grow.
these circumstances have forced me to find-depend-trust in you like never before.
i must remember, i am in your hands & you will not let me fall.
signed-
student of my life